On being an RM and striving.
I've been contemplating writing on my blog for a while now. I have been hesitant for a few reasons. One, I don't know what to say. Two, I don't know where to start to even think about what to say. Three, there is a lot to say.
But anyway, I think I will just let my fingers type today and hopefully you will understand something of my life and what I am feeling.
First things first, I have been gone because I was on a mission. If you would like an update for those months, you can visit this blog here:
http://sisteraubreysmith.blogspot.com
But right now I want to talk about being a returned missionary.
It's like one of those topics that seems overly talked about and somehow underly talked about... Like it's something that happens... one day you're out walking and you think you'll be there forever, then there's a moment where everyone sees you and cheers for you as you exit an airplane, the first time everyone sees you they freak out... and it's exciting... but then you're just a normal face again, and you wonder if you were really ever out there walking and you feel almost confused because you have something inside you that no one around you really knows.
And that's when the cycle begins. I've learned from coming home that I really need to stay close to the Savior. He's the only one on earth who was there every day of my mission and knows every person I met. He knows the language, He knows the heartache, He knows the jokes. He gets it.
I knew I needed Him, because I had already experienced what it felt like to be a missionary, which was hard. I faced a lot of physical, emotional/mental, and spiritual challenges as a missionary. So I had practiced coming closer to Him during those times.
Before I came home I had friends tell me that you begin to feel worthless and purposeless and even less important to God. I thought that was kind of crazy...
But then it happened. I came home with good habits inside me, but I felt like I was somewhat impact-less to other people. I didn't have as much time or energy as I thought. Unlike the mission, I was alone. No companions, mission president, weekly emails, hours of daily study, investigators, etc.
I had my family and friends, leaders, and I still had my scriptures and Facebook messenger to talk to those people I loved dearly.
It feels comparable to something dying. You can never have it back. You can never go back. I can wish to put my tag on, but I can't. Like I told my mom, I can only be "undercover" now.
It just feels different. It feels different to do simple things like get gas, speak english, go on dates, use a washer, be alone. It is different to try to explain a culture that you appreciate and even love to people who have never seen what you've seen. It's different to read your scriptures and have people talking around you, music playing, phones vibrating.
It's all different.
But it's good.
My eyes are slowly opening to the other side. I remember when I really felt like my eyes were opened to missionary work. It was a beautiful feeling. It made me excited, I felt empowered. I had new understanding.
There have been many things helping me to slowly open my eyes to this side of life. I have found peace in the scriptures and in words of the prophets. I have still found moments in day to day life where I felt like I was still an instrument in His hands. I have kept in touch with many people who are still looking up to me, giving me an example, and sharing advice with me.
In institute we talked about how we can have the most profound joy in the gospel by living it as our own choice. So this is where all of you who are thinking that I'm just a weird RM, or that this doesn't apply to you can fit in here.
We all have felt some power in our lives. We've all dealt with loss and a little sadness when we have change. We all have known His love at one time.
Now is the time to live so that we, by our own choice, are coming closer to the Savior daily. We can reap rewards and we can still progress. Wherever we are, no matter how long it's been. Maybe the last time you felt some type of spiritual sensation was 10 years ago. And maybe it was earlier today. All Christ asks is for us to try to keep increasing our altitude. One step a day or maybe even a mile.
I have come to know that speed doesn't matter. Time doesn't matter to Heavenly Father. He has His own timing for things, but it's not measurable. He doesn't give us limits on when we need to have completely read the scriptures, and done it daily, when we need to be proficient at a talent, when we need to be married, when we should have kids that don't fight anymore, when we should be better. Every stage of life has ideals and goals, and we should strive.
On my mission I didn't have perfect numbers, but I strived. I had near perfect perseverance and striving, and I didn't just survive. I came to see His love and His hand, and I know that although things are different now, for me and you, we can still strive. We can still try, and fail, and succeed at failing with grace.
One day we will all have to adjust out of this life, and I think we can practice now with those skills. Because if our focus is truly Him today, then it will stick, each day, until we are with Him, and all those adjustments and changes will just be practice and experience for our life with Him.
Sorry for the long post. I don't know if it makes sense... just some of my thoughts.
But anyway, I think I will just let my fingers type today and hopefully you will understand something of my life and what I am feeling.
First things first, I have been gone because I was on a mission. If you would like an update for those months, you can visit this blog here:
http://sisteraubreysmith.blogspot.com
But right now I want to talk about being a returned missionary.
It's like one of those topics that seems overly talked about and somehow underly talked about... Like it's something that happens... one day you're out walking and you think you'll be there forever, then there's a moment where everyone sees you and cheers for you as you exit an airplane, the first time everyone sees you they freak out... and it's exciting... but then you're just a normal face again, and you wonder if you were really ever out there walking and you feel almost confused because you have something inside you that no one around you really knows.
And that's when the cycle begins. I've learned from coming home that I really need to stay close to the Savior. He's the only one on earth who was there every day of my mission and knows every person I met. He knows the language, He knows the heartache, He knows the jokes. He gets it.
I knew I needed Him, because I had already experienced what it felt like to be a missionary, which was hard. I faced a lot of physical, emotional/mental, and spiritual challenges as a missionary. So I had practiced coming closer to Him during those times.
Before I came home I had friends tell me that you begin to feel worthless and purposeless and even less important to God. I thought that was kind of crazy...
But then it happened. I came home with good habits inside me, but I felt like I was somewhat impact-less to other people. I didn't have as much time or energy as I thought. Unlike the mission, I was alone. No companions, mission president, weekly emails, hours of daily study, investigators, etc.
I had my family and friends, leaders, and I still had my scriptures and Facebook messenger to talk to those people I loved dearly.
It feels comparable to something dying. You can never have it back. You can never go back. I can wish to put my tag on, but I can't. Like I told my mom, I can only be "undercover" now.
It just feels different. It feels different to do simple things like get gas, speak english, go on dates, use a washer, be alone. It is different to try to explain a culture that you appreciate and even love to people who have never seen what you've seen. It's different to read your scriptures and have people talking around you, music playing, phones vibrating.
It's all different.
But it's good.
My eyes are slowly opening to the other side. I remember when I really felt like my eyes were opened to missionary work. It was a beautiful feeling. It made me excited, I felt empowered. I had new understanding.
There have been many things helping me to slowly open my eyes to this side of life. I have found peace in the scriptures and in words of the prophets. I have still found moments in day to day life where I felt like I was still an instrument in His hands. I have kept in touch with many people who are still looking up to me, giving me an example, and sharing advice with me.
In institute we talked about how we can have the most profound joy in the gospel by living it as our own choice. So this is where all of you who are thinking that I'm just a weird RM, or that this doesn't apply to you can fit in here.
We all have felt some power in our lives. We've all dealt with loss and a little sadness when we have change. We all have known His love at one time.
Now is the time to live so that we, by our own choice, are coming closer to the Savior daily. We can reap rewards and we can still progress. Wherever we are, no matter how long it's been. Maybe the last time you felt some type of spiritual sensation was 10 years ago. And maybe it was earlier today. All Christ asks is for us to try to keep increasing our altitude. One step a day or maybe even a mile.
I have come to know that speed doesn't matter. Time doesn't matter to Heavenly Father. He has His own timing for things, but it's not measurable. He doesn't give us limits on when we need to have completely read the scriptures, and done it daily, when we need to be proficient at a talent, when we need to be married, when we should have kids that don't fight anymore, when we should be better. Every stage of life has ideals and goals, and we should strive.
On my mission I didn't have perfect numbers, but I strived. I had near perfect perseverance and striving, and I didn't just survive. I came to see His love and His hand, and I know that although things are different now, for me and you, we can still strive. We can still try, and fail, and succeed at failing with grace.
One day we will all have to adjust out of this life, and I think we can practice now with those skills. Because if our focus is truly Him today, then it will stick, each day, until we are with Him, and all those adjustments and changes will just be practice and experience for our life with Him.
Sorry for the long post. I don't know if it makes sense... just some of my thoughts.
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| Me just finding simple joys because life's too short to cry about being an RM. |
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| About a year ago with my trainee, where my heart changed the most. |
P.s. I LOVED these two videos today. Watch them if you want.http://ldsmissionaries.com/elder-holland-and-elder-bednar-on-joy-and-spirituality-after-your-mission/
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